Are you a femme who likes to have a door opened for you?
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I have a confession to make; I like it when my door is opened for me. I suppose I should add a disclaimer to this which is that I only like it when my door is opened for me when it’s being done by my butch partner, or another chivalrous butch who I happen to be in the company with at the present moment. Any straight dudes who might have happened across this blog, and could potentially recognize me – don’t open my door. That said, there are few things that instantly make me squishy as when my partner seemingly effortlessly maneuvers hirself to open the door for me. That said, there are times where I am unchaperoned and must manage to deal with doors on my own. My clear inability to do this came to a head this weekend when I was visiting my friend Leslie in Vermont for some “Visible: A Femmethology” release gigs.
Leslie and I spent a lovely Saturday hanging out in downtown Burlington window shopping, getting coffee, eating lunch etc. Everything was going well until we got to a new destination- clearly we are both the sort of femmes who like to have doors opened for us, and neither of us could quite manage to remember that we were with someone who wasn’t automatically going to open the door. There were more than a few times where we stood for a couple of seconds outside a shop obviously confused at the barrier standing in the way of our entry. Later that night after we met up with some other contributors we all were preparing to leave a coffee shop and head over to Blacksheep books where the reading was to take place, and three of us collapsed into giggles when we all stopped at the door and waited.
This was one of the first stories of the weekend I had to recount to Kestryl after my return home this evening from a 9.5 hour train ride back to NYC. I came home to the house being awash in candlelight and a gourmet home cooked dinner on the table waiting for me—Kestryl’s chivalry knows no bounds! Now that I’ve eaten, and had a lovely bath I thought I would pose this question to all of you. Do you like having doors opened for you?
April 20th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I love having doors opened for me! When it’s pre-negotiated and consensual. Like you say, it’s not okay when straight cis-dudes open doors for me. Sometimes it’s not even okay when butch queer folks open doors for me. It depends.
I started dating this woman in January who always opens the car door for me when she’s driving. Even if it’s unlocked she’ll race around to beat me to it. After a couple months of this, one day in a fit of annoyance I yelled at her: “I can open my own damn door! I am perfectly capable of opening a car door!” She was taken aback. “I know you are,” she said simply. Since then I have happily let her open all doors in my path.
An interesting counterpoint to that, however, has been our interactions around carrying heavy things. When there are multiple things to be carried, I usually take the heavier things because I am bigger and stronger than her. She is mostly fine with this, but has expressed that each time it happens she catches herself feeling surprised. Not surprised that I am strong, per se, but just generally surprised because she is used to being the care-giver, the self-sacrificing one, the opener of doors, as it were.
April 20th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
why yes, i am =) and, frankly, i don’t care one whit about the identity of the person doing it. (well, not strictly true – if ze’s cute or queer or, especially, my lover it’s an added bonus.) i just don’t see any reason to count out the straight boys (or girls). i find it friendly – i like it when strangers acknowledge that one another exist. is it a southern thing?
April 20th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
When I moved to Georgia (from Michigan), I learned a whole new culture around The Opening of The Door. Here in the Deep South, doors are opened for me all. the. time. Men step back to let me out of elevators first, and *I* step back (or forward, as the case may be) to perform the same courtesy for my elders.
Part of this is because I teach at a historically Black college, where an old-school formality of manner is the norm, and part of it is the U.S. South.
I’ve stopped being irritated or even weirded out by it. In fact, I’ve begun to enjoy the dance of it. Maybe that’s because it’s still a bit of a novelty, or maybe because Southern gentlemen (of all genders) really are so courtly they could chival anyone’s rous.
I don’t like it if a butch, man, or transmasculine thing (that last is a shout-out to my friend A.) opens a door in a way that implies that it’s something I “need” done … OR if it’s done in a way that seems to show off. I most don’t appreciate it if it seems to be a gesture toward controlling my own decisions about going out / coming in. I love it when it’s an exchange of respect and recognition, and I love offering something in return, usually a smile, nod and/or “Thank you.”
I loved that moment with the three of us in Montpelier. I confess I did step back solely out of curiosity. When moving with a crowd, I tend to drop protocols and simply open any doors I come to first. But given our particular gender mix, I just had to see what would happen.
April 20th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
I am a Yankee brought up with Southern manners and I love having the door opened for me, by anyone of any gender and orientation. I’m extra flattered when a butch does it, but anyone can. Like Lady Brett, I just find it friendly. And when a partner does it, I find it just a way that he or she is being extra caring.
April 20th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
i’m with sassafras, i love having my door opened by a butch/transmasculine person/queer anyone, but a cis-gendered straight guy is not welcome. it happens to me all the time (apparently i give off that open-my-door vibe?) but i can’t help turning on the freeze ray when straight boys open the door for me.
my butch partner has taken to opening the car door for me, which is super cute.
but when i’m out with other femmes and/or straight feminine girls, i often find myself opening doors for them and taking on that chivalrous role, even in my skirts and heels. with straight girls i find that they equate it with my being a dyke, but other femmes laugh at me. to me, playing that role is a little like dressing up in a costume — it’s fun, and makes me feel great, but i wouldn’t want to be that person full time.
April 22nd, 2009 at 7:08 am
I have a lot of mixed feelings about it, but I’ll admit that I love it.. when my lover opens my door, lights my cigarette, offers me her coat or sweatshirt.. but it’s also because there is a very intricate story and she’s just now, almost 36 years into being, coming into her own.. her butchness, her gender, finding a community she didn’t know existed..
until now, she’s mostly dated self-identified straight women who let her because they were used to it. but with me, I like to give her space to let her gender breathe and she gets a smile on her face whenever I let her do those things.. so I enjoy it because it makes us both smile..
I’ll *let* others open doors and things, but usually only if they let me, too.. I like it to be equal for the most part..
and btw, I still maintain that kestryl is amazing and hir chivalry is admirable. whenever you write about things ze’s done, I go “awwww!!!! *covet*” <3
May 5th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
My wife always opens the door for me and I absolutely love it. She has always done that for me in the (almost) 6 years that we’ve been together. If a butch woman (other than my wife) opens my door I certainly appreciate the chivalry.
When I’m not in the presence of my partner I always open my own doors or open doors for other ladies.
May 25th, 2009 at 4:48 am
i love when my butch lover opens doors for me (and the whole nine yards). when i’m around femmes and straight women i always do those things for them though!