thoughts from a femme not in Chicago….
Just about every femme I know is either in Chicago this weekend for the big femme conference, at NOLOSE, or hibernating away from all of it. I had briefly entertained thoughts of going to Chicago, but in the end, a number of factors (including the in my opinion absurd cost of registration) contributed to me deciding not to go, and I have to say that now the weekend has arrived I couldn’t be happier with that decision. Maybe it’s a manifestation of my own internalized femmephobia, but the prospect of spending a weekend with several hundred femmes sounds completely terrifying. Playing a part I’m sure is that the first femme “community” I discovered was incredibly competitive, and catty, and even though I’ve since discovered my own communities of femmes (including of course the femme show folks) who are anything BUT that, I still can’t imagine a conference like that not disintegrating into a competitive mess. I hope everyone in Chicago is having an excellent time, but for me having heard some of the horror stories of previous years D-R-A-M-A I know I’ve made the right choice for me.
It’s sad too, because as a high femme I would LOVE to be in an environment where everyone got my gender, but I just don’t think I could feel comfortable at the conference, which makes me sad. It’s absurd really, I mean we’re all grownups and it shouldn’t happen, but I’ve witnessed femmes brutally cut other femmes down, making outfits or makeup and it’s like being transported back to high school! I defiantly don’t want to come off sounding like I’m blameless in this either, I’m sure that like everyone else I’ve perpetuated it in some ways but I’d really like to see there be dialogue about how at least as a community attempt to reduce the amount of drama but I’m not sure how to go about facilitating that, and I’m not even sure what that would look like because it’s so complicated. Thoughts?
August 17th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
That’s interesting as when I thought about the Femme Conference, the first thing that came to mind was, “OOOO!!!! HUNDREDS?! of FEMMES…I WANNA GOOO!!” Alas, I’m in college with no money or transportation…maybe the next conference. I’ve witnessed competitiveness in each and every subgroup of people. Period. I know though, that it probably really cuts deep when this subgroup is “supposed” to have your back. I guess I don’t let it phase me much as I am NOT a competitive person and generally do not stay around people who must put others down very long…I have zero tolerance for that behavior. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never bonded with another Femme, don’t have Femme community that I’m eager to go to a Femme Conference. I’d love to meet someone.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
in my experience it seemed like people are cliqueish just because there’s a large group of folks who are interconnected through the internet and other national conferences who are excited to see each other and want to spend time together. I am def. on the outside of that circle but it doesn’t seem actively exclusionary to me. And there were lots of friendly folks who were traveling alone or in small groups who were eager to make friends.
August 18th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
while i certainly don’t want to make light of your experiences in regards to femmes beating up or competing with other femmes, i want to say that as a fellow fat, high femme the femme conference was a really warm, inclusive space for me this year. i haven’t been to past conferences, but everyone seemed invested in a level of pride and respect that i’ve never felt elsewhere in all-queer spaces. in fact, in my experience, it was nearly routine for people to compliment one another on some aspect of their outfit or workshop or performance every time they spoke and on more than one occasion, merely walking down the hallway on the way out for the evening’s events caused applause from femme on-lookers who hadn’t yet prepared to leave or who were waiting for rides.
this is not to say that the femme conference was absent of drama. i’m sure that was the case for some and i’m in no way trying to romanticize it or say that what you’re describing as femme-on-femme hating did not go on. i didn’t hear any personally, but i’d have to be naive to think we’d all shelve our cattiness completely for 72 hours!
that all being said though, i hope they put the keynotes’ transcripts or videos online and i hope you read/watch them, especially the ones by leah lakshmi piepzna-samarasinha and dorothy allison. they both really addressed the need for us to start being good to one another as femmes and reminded us of how much we need one another to rely on.