Getting my PRIDE on
It’s funny, this blog was going to be all about analyzing whether or not I still was functioning with a fair amount of internalized femme phobia surrounding the fact that I have been lusting after my freedom rings that I bought the first year I was out (then replaced a few years later) and how I wish I still had them even though they are an item of jewelry that I have not had in years. It’s pride weekend here in NYC and I keep thinking about how if I still really want them this would be the time to replace them, but then I stop myself and think about why I’m wanting to have them, and what I would gain by wearing them. After all, I have pride tattoos and those don’t seem to make me any more visible, and why is it that part of me is suddenly chasing after visibility (again) all of a sudden?
Passing is not new for me, and really a little rainbow necklace isn’t going to change that in any meaningful way. And even if it did, is that the sort of message I want to be sending? I remember reading an ad on Craigslist a couple of years ago from this andro lesbian who was railing on femmes, her philosophy was that we needed to wear more rainbows so that she could recognize us, otherwise we were just like straight girls. I was livid, and talked of little else for the next week.
I don’t need to wear fucking rainbows to prove to the world that I’m gay, and yet, part of me likes rainbows. I like the colors and the way that one will perpetually clash with itself and make me smile. When I first came out and was desperately trying to emulate butchness in order to be visible I cut my hair, wore only sports bras, and as a finishing touch cloaked myself in rainbow everything. I was living on my own but still commuting to this semi-rural high school and so for me wearing rainbows was about being seen in throwing it into the faces of redneck classmates that I was “here and queer†and there wasn’t anything they could do about it.
I’d intended for this whole blog to be about this internal struggle I was having about wehther or not I wanted to purchase new freedom rings, and maybe even touch on the fact that I’ve thought of adding a rainbow to my collection of pride tattoos and then I got off work from the big gay org last night. Kestryl (my partner) and I were going out to a show but were early and so decided to kill some tome at the mid Manhattan mall. Much to my delight we wondered through a fantastic store called Strawberry, and there they were, my perfect pride shoes. Hot pink, vinyl, with a rainbow toe sash. These are the ugliest and most fantastic shoes I have ever seen. I was completely smitten with them, and in that moment I knew that * this * is the kind of rainbow I can get behind wearing! These rainbows don’t make me feel like I’m wearing them out of fear that the world can’t see me because I’m femme. These shoes are so over the top queer femme (at least by my definitions) that I can hardly handle it! Needless to say these shoes were onclearance and they came home with me! Did I cave to some internalized femmephobia about wanting to make sure folks know that I’m queer? Who knows, I don’t really think so, because after all sometimes everyone needs a rainbow.
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