The Experiment
I’ve never been good at cutting my nails. Most of my life I’ve just clipped them as short as possible, then filled the rough edges and been done with it. Now, as discussed here, I’ve been growing them out and it feels like I’m entering new terrain in this world of femininity. I thought I had reached the frontier, but I just discovered that beyond these mountains I carry in my heart are plains that stretch forever and dark forests and hidden rivers.
I’m not really happy with them yet. I can’t stop chewing and worrying my cuticles, and I can’t get them to be all the same shape. Probably I should google, or maybe ask my feminine straight sister, who gets manicures with her friends, but I’m afraid she’ll roll her eyes at me. I’m thinking about painting them but I’m not ready yet. I’m going to paint them bright pink for Pride, and write DYKE in purple on my left hand.
It’s strange to have something left to learn about contemporary American caucasian beauty standards. After all, I’ve been learning how to construct that kind of girl since my first ballet show, when my mom told me to open my mouth just a little and painted me with Cherries in the Snow. I remember the sweet, sticky smells, the texture of the powder, how she dressed me in her button down green shirt and gave me a water bottle with aluminum foil covering the straw hole and I got to bring the tube of lipstick with me so I could touch it up.
Some of us learned about makeup and skirts and colors from women who thought they were teaching us to be beautiful girls, not the queer messes we turned out to be, but many of us didn’t. My mom had a complicated feminist relationship to make up and leg shaving, and clothes were tricky because we didn’t have a lot money. In the end, I did what I wanted and sometimes she helped me, sometimes I learned from reading 17 magazine at the library.
For those of you who are femme/feminine/etc: How did you learn to be a girl? How did you learn to be the girl/femme/woman you are today?
May 14th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
wow, that article is pretty useless.
May 14th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
wow, that article was pretty useless. sigh.
May 14th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
oops, sorry for the doublepost.
May 14th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
darnit, i was trying to post on the blog entry about the NYTimes article. sorry, my commenting is a mess today.
May 14th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
oh! I was pretty sad for a minute there. I mean, it’s pretty navel gazing, but hopefully doesn’t deserve to be called “useless.” Ha ha.
May 15th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Not useless, not at all! I recently started cutting my nails short short because my gf for the first time would let me use my hands during sex…I’m finding it incredibly liberating, and I feel like it gives other lesbians another clue that I’m gay (because they’re few and far between, apparently). It will be interesting to see where it takes you!
May 15th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
nails are such an interesting part of being a femme for me! I remember when i was trying to be butch, there were so many moments where i was just so ashamed of my nails (they are think and grow very quickly). now they hover between quite short and fairly long - mostly based on how much typing i’m doing because the longer they get the harder it is to type. but i’m a BIG fan of the nail polish
i love that you are painting your nails for pride!!!!