Confessions of a former femmephobic femme
February 21st, 2008 Sassafras
The first time that I heard the word femme, it was being used as an insult. I discovered queer culture through the wonders of AOL chat rooms, where I would log in to watch the mating dance of lonely queers. It was from there that I picked up my first information about queer culture, I learned what bands were cool, which books I should read (not that the Clackamas library had them) and ideas about how to come out to parents and school (again not especially fruitful as I was kicked out). I also learned that the more masculine I appeared the more desirable I was, and femmes were dismissed, inherently less queer, painfully old fashioned, and shouldn’t be trusted. We called people femmes when we wanted to shame or quiet them.
I’m ashamed to say, that in an effort to fit in, and as a direct result of my internalized femmephobia I participated in this cultural shaming. The ex of my first butch lover was a high femme of the fiercest sort when I was still trying to be a boi. I participated in gossip, and consistently said that I couldn’t understand her or the other femmes, why they would wear dresses, and makeup and why they wouldn’t shave their heads and start acting like real queers. Truth be told, I was afraid to understand myself.
I had no idea how many guts it took to be a femme, to put on a skirt and show up to a queer event in a non-ironic way. The world is hard enough on femmes, queer people misunderstand us with such frequency it breaks my heart to think that a younger version of myself participated in a community that made it harder for my fellow femmes to survive. Thinking back to those days, all I see is a scared baby femme terrified to admit that ze secretly wanted to have pigtails, and wear glitter. It took years for me to be ok with being femme, and to stop desperately trying to hide it behind forced and failing appropriated masculinity. I’d like to say that the queer community is becoming more welcoming to femmes, and I think that important steps are being made through the construction of femme community, but I don’t for a minute believe that it’s easy, I know better.
