All my life people have told me that I should be more practical. This has been especially true when it comes to clothes, I’m perpetually dressed in what is considered to be inappropriate for the weather. My theoretical inability to match the outside weather with my outfit of the day has only increased since moving to New York. I don’t wear pants, I don’t own them, I don’t like them, far from feeling liberating I feel constrained and uncomfortable. I fully understand that women fought desperately hard for the right to wear pants, but as a femme, I feel like I’m fighting for the right not to on a daily basis.

I own one pair of jeans, and they remain unworn in the bottom of my dresser. I purchased them last spring at a goodwill the week before the commitment ceremony my partner and I had. the party was taking place at my dyke moms’ house out in the country. part of letting us use their gorgeous deck and property was that we would go and help with the cleaning. I knew that my butch moms would absolutely die if I showed up to their house to do yard work in my normal dresses, even if it was just to pot flowers. Other chores such as power washing all 1500 square feet of decking (the fact that our NYC apartment is 1/2 the size of their deck is disturbing) were reserved for my partner. I only moved the pants cross country thinking that perhaps someday there would be a use for them (a use I’ve still yet to find. )

I can’t count the number of times that I have been asked by a coworker or acquaintance, “don’t you own any pants?” and the look of amusement which stretches across their face only serves to make me feel more invisible as a femme. I see dresses and skirts as an essential part of expressing my femme identity. the few times in the last several years that I have attempted to wear pants have been met with frustration and discomfort physically, spiritually, and psychologically. in pants I feel as though my gender expression is utterly invisible. in some ways I hesitate to write this entry, because I know that there are many femmes who feel very comfortable in pants, and they don’t feel the same disconnect that I do, and I really don’t want people to think that there aren’t femmes in the world who are happy in pants. That said, when I wear pants I feel as though I am crawling out of my skin, and as though my femme identity is hidden from the world. so I’m curious, what clothing item makes you feel like a femme? Or what is something you can’t feel at home in?

This entry was posted on Friday, February 8th, 2008 at 10:00 am and is filed under musings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.